


moment of peace, moment of panic

by techniclr



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Birthday Party, Gen, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-17 19:02:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29970909
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/techniclr/pseuds/techniclr
Summary: nothing's harder than knowing you're safe and happy and still having a panic attack. in which sylvain mildly freaks out in front of his closest friends.
Kudos: 8





	moment of peace, moment of panic

**Author's Note:**

> this is a reupload! love me some sad sylvain angsty sylvain or just mentally ill sylvain, no it's not projection aha why do you ask :) anyways please enjoy this anxiety sylvain fic, and feel free to comment!

Sylvain has always had this problem, for as long as he can remember. It started when he was a kid, he thinks, but he didn't notice until he was in his late teenage years. And now, he's in college; no one knows he carries this with him everywhere he goes, lurking behind him like an ominous shadow hovering over its prey. A dark shadow, lying in wait. though he was aware of its presence, he has no idea how to exorcise it from his being - he had simply accepted it as part of himself. He was the shadow, the shadow was him, and together they comprised of one Sylvain. 

He had just accepted that sometimes, without warning, his fingers would start to shake, and sometimes, without warning, his chest would start to constrict and he would lose the ability to breathe. Sometimes, more rarely, he would have to lock himself in the bathroom, repeatedly washing his face with cold water, muttering "Fuck, fuck, fuck," while hoping the pain would end and he could stop feeling like he was being crushed by a hydraulic press. Sometimes, more rarely, he would be hunched over the bathroom sink, clutching his chest, taking great big gasps of air trying to get a single breath in. Sometimes, without warning, he'd find himself slumped against the tub, pressing his face to the cold metal for some relief. What was this phantom pain? Was he ill? No, that couldn't be it. He had just gone to the doctor and the doctor had said he was in tip top shape, and he wasn't the kind of guy to doubt medical professionals. 

But as much as he kind of accepted that this little evil _thing_ was part of him, he had a deathly fear of anyone finding out that he lived like this. Sometimes it would make his symptoms worse when he imagined his friends seeing the way he cried when the pain got unbearable, when he took little gasping breaths as tears streamed down his face and he prayed for help from the Goddess. And looking back, he really did try to keep everyone from finding out what he truly was. Hollow, possessed. Weak. 

It was on the night of Dimitri's twenty fifth birthday, and everyone was gathered in Dimitri's tiny flat that he shared with Dedue. Dimitri and Dedue, inseparable as always, had been studying for their PhDs together, and sharing a flat at the same time. Dimitri had looked radiant that night, a gold plastic crown perched crookedly on his head courtesy of Annette, who had insisted that Dimitri wear it for dramatic effect. Dimitri had been their student council president in the old days, and the title suited him so well that sometimes people just called him "King". Dimitri was sitting on the couch, squished into the middle seat by Annette and Ashe on his left, and Felix and Mercedes on his right. Dedue looked handsome as ever, strong and stoic sitting in the burgundy armchair that rested by Dimitri's fireplace, the fire casting a warm flickering glow on his features. Ingrid sat in the other armchair, and Sylvain was perched on the armrest near Ingrid. It had been a long time since the old graduating class had been together, what with Annette teaching children's choir, Mercedes owning a small embroidery business, and Dedue's sweet shop that was booming thanks to the help of Ashe, Lysithea, and surprisingly, Felix. Ingrid had gone back home to work for her father, and Sylvain... well, Sylvain was in school too. He had hit a couple of roadblocks finishing his Masters, but he was confident he could jump right in and swim among the sharks that he'd come to know as his father's business. Did it disgust him to his core to continue the family business? Yes. Was he gonna do it anyway? You bet.

The rare feeling of contentment washed over Sylvain as he leaned back against Ingrid and watched Dimitri rifle through his stack of presents and choose which one to tear into first. Sylvain felt warm and full of love as he looked around him at his friends' smiling faces, letting their joy become his, too. Dimitri finally settled on a bright pink one with a big, sparkly silver bow and held it carefully, looking around the room with a guilty expression on his face as if he felt that the press

nt shouldn't be his, despite his name being written on it in bold marker. Behind him, Sylvain heard Ingrid click her tongue impatiently. "Well, Dimitri?" she asked. "It's got your name on it, now don't keep us waiting!" 

Dimitri was on his third present when Sylvain's palms started sweating. He held it up proudly for his small audience to appreciate, and as everyone expressed their love for the set of cufflinks, Sylvain struggled to swallow around some emotion that had gotten stuck in his throat. By the fourth present, Sylvain realized he was breathing too fast. By the fifth, Sylvain's stomach churned threateningly, and he felt his face go pale. He was just sitting there, wondering why he couldn't feel his fingertips, when Dimitri landed on a sleek blue box that he waved in the air, smiling brightly. "Ah, finally! Sylvain, is this yours? I am impressed by your gift wrapping skills, you know!" Dimitri laughed heartily, and everyone looked to Sylvain, expecting to hear him crack one of his witty one liners that always made Felix snap at him, but nothing came. The moment of silence that filled the block of dialogue that Sylvain should have been performing the Sylvain routine in was loud, and suddenly the atmosphere in the room changed. 

Dimitri's smile faltered. "Sylvain?" 

But Sylvain was far away, too far away, and he was afraid that if he opened his mouth he'd either vomit or burst into tears. With great difficulty, he swallowed hard and tried to speak. "Yeah," Sylvain said hoarsely. Despite his eyes being out of focus, Sylvain could see Dimitri move to stand up out of the corner of his eye.

"Sylvain, are you quite all right? You look pale." Dimitri sounded concerned. There was no need to be concerned, Sylvain thought dimly. He was fine, this just happened sometimes. He opened his mouth to tell him that it was fine, and they should just get back to the presents, but instead, no sound came out. Sylvain's eyes jumped to Dimitri's own, and the crease of his eyebrows was both telling and overwhelming. Fuck, had he really been that stupid, that careless? He really was worthless, he couldn't even have a nice moment with his best friends without screwing everything up. That's what he did, screw things up. Sylvain's eyes filled with tears, and they darted around the room as it started to blur, recognizing the concerned faces of his friends. He looked down at his hands where they rested in his lap. He couldn't see them through his tears, but it was better than looking at the faces of people he loved who were so obviously disappointed in him for fucking up the evening. 

"I'm sorry, I, um," Sylvain hiccupped, and then tears were flooding down his cheeks. He crumpled, heaving a breath and pressing the heels of his palms into his eye sockets, somehow trying to lessen the tears. He felt a soothing hand on his back, and Ingrid's gentle voice saying, "Sylvain, honey, what's wrong? Talk to me."

Sylvain gasped, and he roughly wiped away the tears that fell from his eyes freely like rain, and sat straight up, looking Dimitri in the face. The sight of Dimitri's concerned face full of worry was almost enough to send him into another round of fresh tears again, but he took a rattling breath and said, "I'm fine, I'm fine. Sorry. I, uh. That happens sometimes."

"It is completely alright," Dimitri said gently. There was a beat of silence where Sylvain kept wiping away rouge tears that escaped, the sound of his rattling breathing loud in the small space. Suddenly, Annette stood up, determination in her eyes, and walked over to Sylvain, wrapping him up in a tight hug. Sylvain's nose filled with the smell of sweet flowers as he accepted being buried in Annette's arms, and he felt her plant a kiss on his head. "We love you, Sylvain. You can talk to us." Annette said into his hair. At the words, Sylvain's chest tightened again, but he refused to let the dam break.

"I know," he choked out. "It's just."

"Just what, Sylvain?" Mercedes said softly, coming over with a box of tissues and kneeling so she was eye level with him. "Annie's right. You can talk to us."

Sylvain stared at his intertwined fingers, trying to get past the lump in his throat. Ashe's voice broke the silence. "I'm afraid of ghosts," he said loudly, with a determined gleam in his eye. 

"Hmm, that makes two of us then," Dimitri said, shooting Ashe a relieved smile. 

Felix visibly tensed. "I... I'm afraid of dogs." Sylvain snorted, which earned him a trademark Felix glare, but even that lacked most of his usual heat. 

Dedue spoke up from his comfy armchair. "I quite dislike heights, actually." 

Dimitri perked up at that. "Really? I never knew."

Mercedes took Sylvain's tightly wound hands in her own. "And I'm scared of hurting the people I love, but I feel that we are the same in that regard," she whispered with a knowing glint in her eye. 

Sylvain looked at where his hands rested in Mercedes' smaller ones. "Thank you guys, I really..." He tightened his grip on her hands. "Don't deserve friends like you."

Ingrid scoffed, the hand on his back jolting slightly. "If you don't deserve us, then we don't deserve you either. We really do love you, even if some of us are shit at showing it."

Sylvain felt a smile bloom slowly on his face. "Thanks, Ingrid. I... love all of you too. And truly, it's nothing-" Ingrid scowled at him, and he hastily continued, "but we can talk about it later, if... that's okay?" 

"Of course, Sylvain," Mercedes said gently. "Now, where were we?" 

Dimitri looked around, confused for a moment, until his eye landed on the cleanly wrapped navy blue parcel in his hand that he'd been crushing unknowingly. "Ah, apologies. It would appear I ruined all you hard work."

"Nonsense," said Sylvain, regaining some strength in his voice. "Go on, open it. It's what's inside that counts." He winked at Dimitri. 

Dimitri rolled his eyes, smiling, but nonetheless took the packaging off with excessive care. Inside the sleek box sat a navy blue tie with gold accents, and Dimitri squaked in appreciation, holding up the box to show the room but accidentally knocking the tie out of its pristine position inside. He scooped it up midair, shaking his shaggy hair out of his eyes, and held it up to his chest. 

Beaming, Dimitri looked at Sylvain. "Well, how does it look?"

**Author's Note:**

> thank you all for reading!!! find me on twitter!! @dimivainlovebot


End file.
